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Clique or Not? What to Do When You Hear “It’s Too Cliquey” in Your College Ministry

Clique or Not? What to Do When You Hear “It’s Too Cliquey” in Your College Ministry

Editor’s Note: This post is part of our month-long theme on celebrating and showing the love of God in all our relationships. You can find the rest of  these articles here

Throughout my years in ministry, one of the phrases I have often heard is “It’s too cliquey here.” Sometimes this has been expressed as a reason why someone has left the ministry and moved on to another ministry. Sometimes it has been brought up by leaders who are genuinely concerned about the message these groups are sending to others. Sometimes it has been expressed by individuals who are longing to be a part of a certain group, and it just isn’t working out. Regardless of the circumstance, I do think it is something that needs to be addressed.

A Clique or Not a Clique?

The Merriam Webster dictionary describes a clique as “a narrow exclusive circle or group of persons, especially one held together by common interests, views, or purposes.” The key word in this description is exclusive. In our day and age, inclusivity has become extremely important, so it makes sense that college students would be sensitive to any group that appears to be exclusive in any way. This can prove to be quite an issue in a ministry.

It is unrealistic to expect everyone to be best friends with everyone else and be completely inclusive to those around them at every given minute. It is natural for us to gravitate towards those who are like-minded, share our hobbies and interests, and desire to be in our presence. This isn’t a bad thing. Students need to have healthy, deep friendships. They need to have a small circle of friends they trust. This is not a clique; it is just friendship!

The problem arises when a small group of students becomes so visibly exclusive that, whether intentionally or not, they communicate to those who aren’t in the group that they are not welcome. That’s when a group of friends edges into clique territory.

 With the introduction of social media, the line between “group of friends” and “clique” has become muddier and perceptions of cliques even more of an issue. When I was in college, I had no idea what others were doing without me, unless they told me over a phone call or face to face the next day. Now, a student can watch Snapchat stories or Instagram reels of their peers hanging out and having fun without them as it is happening in real time. This can cause a deep sense of loneliness and feeling left out. It can lead to isolation, anger, depression, withdrawal and even lashing out.

What to Do With Cliques in Your Ministry

If cliques are an issue in your ministry, I have a few suggestions.

  1. Talk openly with your leaders about the balance of healthy friendships and an outreach mindset. Help them understand that they need a small group of people in their lives whom they can trust, depend on and enjoy hobbies with. Encourage them that there is nothing wrong with this. 

At the same time, help them understand that having an outreach mindset is imperative when you are a ministry leader. Creating a culture of belonging is important, and it has to be emphasized to your leaders. They don’t always have to invite others to their friend gatherings, but they do need to adopt an inviting mindset when it comes to their lives. We often have a tendency to not think outside of our circle of friends when we belong somewhere. Challenge them to look for those on the outside of those circles and invite them in.

"Creating a culture of belonging is important, and it has to be emphasized to your leaders." -@YarnellKarin #collegiatedisciplemaker Clique or Not? What to Do When You Hear “It’s Too Cliquey” in Your College Ministry Click To Tweet
  1. Talk to your students about thoughtful social media use. Most of your students probably post on social media automatically, without much thought—at least, not much thought about how their posts might affect others. It’s culturally expected for them to document their lives on social media; not doing so  is counter-cultural and requires intentionality, thoughtfulness, and wisdom. Help them learn to think carefully about what they post— to consider how their posts might make others feel or what message they might inadvertently send as carefully as they consider what filter they use and how many likes they might get. Simply posting less about the things they do with their friends can eliminate a great deal of clique perception.
  1. Keep “enrollment” in Bible studies and discipleship groups open. I understand the desire to have deadlines to join Bible studies and discipleship groups, but I personally do not recommend doing this. For those who join your ministry later in the year or just weren’t ready to commit at the beginning of a semester, such deadlines can leave them no place to go and no opportunity to break into existing friend groups. You can emphasize the importance of attendance and commitment but still allow students to join all year. This is another opportunity to develop a mindset of welcoming and hospitality among your small group leaders. This will trickle down to their members as well.
  1. Utilize social media, mass texting and publicity so everyone knows they are welcome to your events. Make it obvious. There are times when you will need to have leaders-only meetings; I am not talking about those. However, make sure in your publicity efforts that the doors are open for all who want to come to your large group worship services and community-building events. Help your leaders and members develop an attitude of invitation so they will invite their classmates, roommates, friends and coworkers to be a part of this community.

“Help your leaders and members develop an attitude of invitation so they will invite their classmates, roommates, friends and coworkers to be a part of this community.”

-Karin Yarnell-

  1. As the ministry leader, make sure everyone knows you are accessible to them. I know this can be difficult as you don’t want to overstep into the bounds of self-promotion, but you might be surprised at how many students are intimidated to come talk to you. Even if you don’t think you have an intimidating personality, some students will not feel free to approach you because of your age, title, gender or demeanor. The perception that you are inaccessible might influence their perception of the exclusivity of the ministry as a whole. Regularly put it out there that you are available to anyone who wants to talk. Make it clear that you can meet on campus in a visible place wherever the student is comfortable.

     Obviously, this list isn’t exhaustive, but I hope it gives you someplace to start. Being open and inviting, whether as an individual or ministry, doesn’t mean you become a fishbowl for everyone to know all your stuff, and it certainly doesn’t mean you can’t have a group of trusted friends. It simply means that you are not exclusive and cliquish.

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Equipping You to Make Disciples of Collegians & Young Adults

The Collegiate DiscipleMaker is an online publication providing practical encouragement and disciplemaking tools to those making disciples among college students and young adults. Our weekly articles are theologically rich, biblically grounded, pragmatically applicable, and college ministry oriented.

Our Team

We are people just like you— campus missionaries, ministry wives, young adult pastors, and more—who simply have a passion to make Gen Z disciples on college campuses and beyond.

Contributors:

Austin Pfrimmer (Campus Missionary)

Christina Boatright (Campus Missionary)

Paul Damery (Campus Missionary)

Reese Hammond (Campus Missionary)

Jon Smith (Campus Missionary)

Jerome Stockert (Campus Missionary) 

Karin Yarnell (College Ministry Wife)

Editor in Chief:

Britney Lyn Hamm (College Ministry Wife)

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