{"id":693,"date":"2021-09-23T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-09-23T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/?p=693"},"modified":"2021-09-20T13:43:49","modified_gmt":"2021-09-20T18:43:49","slug":"perfectionists-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/perfectionists-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder\/","title":{"rendered":"A Perfectionist&#8217;s Story of Recovery from an Eating Disorder"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><em>Editor\u2019s Note: This post is part of our<a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/category\/mental-health\/\" target=\"_blank\">&nbsp;Mental Health Series<\/a>&nbsp;during September, which is National Suicide Prevention Month. Eating disorders are another mental health issue that is highly-prevalent on college campuses, and not just among women. Every story is different, but we hope Britney&#8217;s story encourages you in your own battles and as you seek to minister to students who are dealing with eating disorders and other mental health issues.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>In case you missed them, here are the articles in the series so far:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/mental-health-raging-college-campuses\/\" target=\"_blank\">Mental Health is Raging on Our College Campuses \u2013 Are We Prepared to Deal With it?<\/a><\/li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/how-to-respond-to-suicidal-ideation\/\" target=\"_blank\">\u201cHelp, I\u2019m suicidal\u201d: How to Respond to Suicidal Ideation<\/a><\/li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/a-ministers-experience-finding-help-through-professional-counseling\/\" target=\"_blank\">A Minister\u2019s Experience Finding Help Through Professional Counseling<\/a><\/li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/8-tips-helping-college-students-with-anxiety\/\" target=\"_blank\">8 Tips for Helping Students with Anxiety<\/a><\/li><li><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/my-journey-recovering-ptsd\/\" data-type=\"URL\" data-id=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/my-journey-recovering-ptsd\/\" target=\"_blank\">Loss, Hope, and Healing: My Journey in Recovery from PTSD<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/blueprint-for-dealing-with-spiritual-crisis\/\" data-type=\"URL\" data-id=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/blueprint-for-dealing-with-spiritual-crisis\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">The Gift of Asaph: A Blueprint for Spiritual Crisis<\/a><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cWe need to run some additional blood work,\u201d the doctor said, her face grim. \u201cWith how low your weight is, your white blood cell counts could be off\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Shame washed over me as she continued to recount the many issues that could be wreaking havoc inside my self-induced starved body. <em>How could it have gotten this far? I thought I had this under control. I thought I wasn\u2019t like <\/em>those<em> girls.&nbsp;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I didn\u2019t dare make eye contact with my mom as we left the doctor\u2019s office. I knew that I wouldn\u2019t find anger on her face, nor condemnation, chiding, or disdain. No, I would only see sadness, confusion, worry, and love. In my shame-filled state, those things were almost worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I moved through the motions of eating more normally over the coming months. Maybe the doctor had effectively scared me. I couldn\u2019t bear to put my parents through any more. Or perhaps even my compliance was a prideful attempt to ensure that I didn\u2019t become like \u201cthose girls\u201d who ended up in rehab facilities. I could see the lines of worry lessening on my parents\u2019 faces as my weight slowly climbed into a safer range. But I knew nothing had changed inside.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I was lost. I was broken. I was confused. I was numb. I didn\u2019t know if I would ever be free. Hope seemed just beyond grasp. I had been praying about this for the past several years, after all. Asking God to take away this struggle. I had done the \u201cright\u201d things: sharing my downward cascade into an eating disorder from the first moments I suspected it, praying, reading Scripture, all of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But here I was. Numbly facing the realization that despite my best efforts, I was losing this battle. I was not in control, not even remotely. I couldn\u2019t just \u201cput on the brakes\u201d whenever I wanted as I had so desperately convinced myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A couple months into the numbness, something did change inside. For the first time in my life as a believer since accepting Jesus at a young age, I was angry at God. Fuming, railing, cursing angry at God. He had the power to take this away. His Word promised that His Spirit was transforming me into the likeness of Christ. His gospel spoke of freedom, not bondage. So why did He sit back and do nothing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In one pivotal moment driving home from school, I threw all of those thoughts at my Beloved God in a forceful thrust. Part of me\u2014a big part of me\u2014wanted to be done with my childhood faith. Where had it gotten me, after all? Questions I had never asked before rushed through me. <em>Is this worth it? Is God worth it? What if I just walk away from it all?&nbsp;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know that the Holy Spirit touched me in that moment, much like the Lord touched Jacob\u2019s thigh after Jacob wrestled with God all night long, gently beckoning Jacob into submission. I broke down, my anger softened into the raw realization of my need for Him, as I bowed my head over the steering wheel and cried out, \u201cGod, I need you too much and I love you too much to let you go.\u201d I belonged to Him; I couldn\u2019t walk away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That was the turning point for me. Flash forward a year and I stood before my entire school and shared my testimony of God\u2019s deliverance from my eating disorder. I was back at a healthy weight, I was thriving in my walk with God, and the lies which once thundered so loudly in my mind were now little more than whispers that quickly scattered when confronted with God\u2019s truth.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I would be lying if I said that I have never struggled with body image since then, or that Satan hasn\u2019t tried to lure me back into the trap of an eating disorder. But I can say with 100% confidence that God truly did deliver me from the clutches of anorexia nervosa. I\u2019m more than fifteen years removed from that turning point in my life. I\u2019ve gone through four pregnancies (currently on my fifth) with all the body changes that come with them. Never once have I relapsed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you know anything about eating disorders, you know that just doesn\u2019t happen. Eating disorders have a very high relapse rate. They are often lifelong battles in the same way that alcoholism is. It took something supernatural, something far greater than human effort, for me to overcome anorexia. My story isn\u2019t a testimony of anything but the power of God at work in my life.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>God used several things as part of that process. I want to share them with you with a caveat: they aren\u2019t a formula for your own struggle with an eating disorder or another mental health issue. Please don\u2019t try to use them that way. And please don\u2019t let my story discourage you if you find yourself in the tight grip of a struggle that you can\u2019t seem to overcome. While I believe that hope and freedom are possible for you, and I would love for you to experience a radical and rapid transformation like I did, I can\u2019t promise that your story will look just like my story. But I do hope God uses these to encourage you and to help you look at your struggle through a different lens.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Surrender<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>That day in the car was transformational for me because it was a point of surrender. I was faced with a choice: walk away and be king of my own life, or wholly surrender my entire being to Jesus. I had to realize my desperate need for God. I had to face my lack of control over the situation. I had to admit that I was past the point of no return but for God\u2019s intervention. I wanted to believe I was better than every other girl who struggled with an eating disorder\u2014that I had the power over the enemy and my flesh in and of myself. But I didn\u2019t.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s true that I confessed my struggle to my parents and a couple close friends shortly after the onset of it. And it\u2019s true that I had been praying about it. But I only shared what I wanted to share, just enough to admit my struggle but not enough to admit how bad it was. I prayed, but not from a place of surrender. I wanted God\u2019s help <em>and <\/em>I wanted to stay in control at the same time. I was too immature in my faith to realize that those two things are incompatible.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>No matter how much I prayed or invited others into my struggle, I could not overcome it until I was flat on my face before God, admitting my total inability to dig myself out of that hole. We can only experience the supernatural power of the Spirit at work in us when we surrender to Him. And we know, deep down, just as I did, that true surrender is total surrender of every aspect of our lives and the deepest places of our hearts. I had stubbornly resisted that surrender for a long time, trying to juggle my walk with Christ with my control of my life, and as a result, I wasn\u2019t experiencing the fullness of life in Christ. I was still living in bondage when Christ had set me free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Surrender is a terrifying step to take, but it\u2019s the only one that ushers us into the fullness of joy and freedom of life in Christ.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Takeaway: I urge you to take time to go earnestly before God and assess your own state of surrender when it comes to your whole life but particularly the struggle in question. Have you admitted your desperate and total need for Him? Are you relying on yourself or other human sources of power to dig yourself out of the hole? Where might He be calling you take the scary step of surrendering your entire heart and life to Him so that you can experience the rush of His power and the fullness of life in Christ?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n<span class='bctt-click-to-tweet'><span class='bctt-ctt-text'><a href='https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcollegiatedisciplemaker.com%2Fperfectionists-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder%2F&#038;text=%22Surrender%20is%20a%20terrifying%20step%20to%20take%2C%20but%20it%E2%80%99s%20the%20only%20one%20that%20ushers%20us%20into%20the%20fullness%20of%20joy%20and%20freedom%20of%20life%20in%20Christ.%22%20%40britneylynhamm%20%23collegiatedisciplemaker%20My%20Story%20of%20Miraculous%20Recovery%20from%20an%20Eating%20Disorder&#038;via=mbcollegiate&#038;related=mbcollegiate' target='_blank'rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">&quot;Surrender is a terrifying step to take, but it\u2019s the only one that ushers us into the fullness of joy and freedom of life in Christ.&quot; @britneylynhamm #collegiatedisciplemaker My Story of Miraculous Recovery from an Eating Disorder <\/a><\/span><a href='https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcollegiatedisciplemaker.com%2Fperfectionists-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder%2F&#038;text=%22Surrender%20is%20a%20terrifying%20step%20to%20take%2C%20but%20it%E2%80%99s%20the%20only%20one%20that%20ushers%20us%20into%20the%20fullness%20of%20joy%20and%20freedom%20of%20life%20in%20Christ.%22%20%40britneylynhamm%20%23collegiatedisciplemaker%20My%20Story%20of%20Miraculous%20Recovery%20from%20an%20Eating%20Disorder&#038;via=mbcollegiate&#038;related=mbcollegiate' target='_blank' class='bctt-ctt-btn'rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Click To Tweet<\/a><\/span>\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Sanctification<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>At times since then, I wrestled with the question of whether I was truly a believer before that day of surrender or not. I may never know the answer 100% for sure, but the more I have wrestled with it, the more I believe that I truly was saved as a young child. There is fruit to evidence that. I had a genuine love for Jesus, a close and intimate walk with Him, and a passionate desire to serve Him and be used by Him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I do, however, believe that my faith was woefully immature in one very key area. I believed Jesus had saved me from my sin, but I mistakenly believed that I had to sanctify myself. I understood His saving grace in salvation, but I didn\u2019t understand His saving grace in my ongoing sanctification (being made more like Christ). I thought it was up to me to \u201cbe a good Christian\u201d. So I did the \u201cgood Christian\u201d things and stayed away from the bad things.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I was missing out on the true source of power for the Christian life\u2014the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit to make me more like Jesus and empower me to live for Him. I was pursuing perfection for some of the right reasons (to be more like Jesus and honor Him) but for a lot of the wrong reasons (for my own glory and confidence) and by the wrong means (my own effort). That pursuit of perfection is ultimately what led me into an eating disorder.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>During that season, He taught me that just as I needed Jesus to save me, I also needed Him to sanctify me. He showed me what it meant to lean on His grace, not just as the entry point into salvation but in the daily, ongoing process of sanctification. He revealed that I was just as dependent on Him each moment of each day after being saved as I was at the moment of salvation. He uncovered that I was no more capable of achieving goodness by my own effort post-salvation as I was pre-salvation.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One key resource He used to spark this part of my journey was Natalie Grant\u2019s book <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/dp\/B004GJVWZ8\/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1\"><em>The Real Me<\/em><\/a> in which she recounts her fight against bulimia. Reading her story was like reading my own. Her book was a huge part of what God used to show me that the roots of my eating disorder lie in my misguided pursuit of perfection. He ushered me into a different way of living, one that is dependent on the grace and mercy of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit rather than my bootstrap effort.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Takeaway: Have you experienced God\u2019s grace and mercy in salvation, or have you relied on your own goodness to save you from your sin? If you have come to saving faith in Christ, have you continued relying on His grace and power to transform you, or have you taken it upon yourself to \u201cbe a good Christian\u201d?&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Spiritual Warfare<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t know about you, but spiritual warfare wasn\u2019t something my churches taught about when I was growing up. Other than the occasional Sunday school armor of God lesson and random mentions of the devil, spiritual warfare was kind of a hush-hush thing no one really wanted to acknowledge. <em>God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Scriptures, and let\u2019s just not talk about the Spirit or the devil or the cosmic battle that\u2019s taking place unless we have to, right?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m eternally grateful for my mom, who received solid teaching early in her walk with Christ on spiritual warfare and the power of the Holy Spirit. She is one of the most Word-studied people I know, and she passed much of her study on to me. She also gave me a book during that season of my life titled <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Lord-Warfare-Teach-Stand-Devotional\/dp\/1578564425\/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&amp;keywords=lord+is+it+warfare&amp;qid=1631637334&amp;sr=8-1\"><em>Lord, Is it Warfare?<\/em><\/a><em> <\/em>by Kay Arthur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That study taught me how to actually engage in the battle we are fighting against the enemy. I learned that the mind is the battlefield of the enemy and that I had to learn to take <em>every single thought <\/em>captive to make it obedient to Christ. Friends, this ain\u2019t no picnic. It\u2019s <em>hard work <\/em>to assess every thought that pops into our minds and ask ourselves \u201cIs this from the Lord? Is this consistent with His truth? Is it a lie from the enemy? Is it my flesh?\u201d It\u2019s <em>painstaking work <\/em>to identify the lies and the desires of the flesh and pair them up against the truth of God\u2019s Word. It doesn\u2019t just happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I had to start with surrender, and then I had to understand that my sanctification could not take place apart from the Spirit\u2019s power. But that doesn\u2019t mean that I was off the hook, either. Jesus said to cut off the hand that causes us to sin, to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow Him. Paul said to fix our eyes on Jesus, strain toward what lies ahead, press on toward the goal, put off anything that doesn\u2019t belong in God\u2019s Kingdom, and take every thought captive. Those are <em>active<\/em> commands.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The power doesn\u2019t belong to us; it belongs to the Lord. The battle doesn\u2019t belong to us; it belongs to the Lord. But we have to be engaged in it. God revealed that for more than three years, I wasn\u2019t even in the battle. I was just letting the enemy trample all over me. He had to pull me to my feet, suit me up in His armor, and teach me to fight. He gave me the tools I needed to overcome the enemy\u2019s lies and replace them with His truth. He gave me the power to change old habits into new habits of thinking, believing, and living. He gave me the confidence to know that the victory was already mine, no matter how discouraged I might feel at any given moment, because I am in the Lord\u2019s army, and the devil has no chance against that.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Takeaway: in whatever struggle you are facing, do you understand that your battle is not ultimately against your brain, your body, your emotions, your past, or any other earthly force but rather against an enemy who seeks to devour and a sinful flesh that wants its own way? Are you proactively fighting the spiritual battle? I urge you to dig deep into the Scripture to understand spiritual warfare and how to get in the battle. A book like Kay Arthur\u2019s book is a great place to start to walk you through Scripture on this topic.&nbsp;<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What You Need Most to Fight Your Battles<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>There are many other things God used in my life, but those three were and are key. I am still constantly learning those same lessons over again. I find myself battling my pursuit of perfection, my self-reliance, and my lazy soldier tendencies in new ways all the time. There are areas of my life where victories feel few and far between and growth feels painfully slow. But I\u2019ve seen God do the impossible in my life before. I\u2019ve seen Him eradicate an eating disorder from my life. I\u2019ve watched His truth dismantle the enemy\u2019s lies. I\u2019ve experienced the joy of surrender and the freedom of relying on the Spirit. That keeps me surrendering, depending, striving, and fighting with each new (or old) struggle I face in my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re facing. You might be in your lowest, darkest valley as I was that day in the doctor\u2019s office. You might be in the midst of a tiresome battle under heavy fire. You might feel like you\u2019re in a pit there is no way out of. You may be ready to walk away from God entirely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Whatever the case may be, I want you to read my story and take away with one central truth: your victory from whatever you are facing begins and ends with the God who is bigger than it all. That doesn\u2019t mean there won\u2019t be other sources of help along the way (I went to Christian counseling and nutrition counseling, after all). But it does mean that the one thing you need most is Him. Surrender, lean on Him for your sanctification, and get in the battle. He is with you, He is for you, and the battle belongs to Him.&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Britney Lyn Hamm shares how God miraculously delivered her from an eating disorder, defying statistics and her own expectations. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":697,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[86,85,74,88,87],"nelio_content":{"isAutoShareEnabled":true,"autoShareEndMode":"never","automationSources":{"useCustomSentences":false,"customSentences":[]},"followers":[2,11],"suggestedReferences":[],"efiUrl":"","efiAlt":"","highlights":[],"permalinkQueryArgs":[]},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.6 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>A Perfectionist&#039;s Story of Recovery from an Eating Disorder - Collegiate Disciple Maker<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/collegiatedisciplemaker.com\/perfectionists-recovery-from-an-eating-disorder\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Perfectionist&#039;s Story of Recovery from an Eating Disorder - 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